Irritable.

I don't know why so many times I find myself asking, "How did I get into this mess?"

In the past week:

- I've lost my camera and $300 of makeup

- Bad blood has stirred up again and an arch enemy of mine tried to instigate a fight...after SIX YEARS OF HIBERNATION

- I've strongly debated about living in another country for a couple months

- I've found someone I really feel...GETS IT.

Okay, thankfully I didn't plan that list, and it goes from bad --> good, I guess that means that I'm striving to end on a positive note. 

These last two weeks have really breezed by, but I have to ask myself what I'm preparing for in the coming months. I want to get my emergency credentials, I want to save $3000.00 (for my trip) - I want to spend more time with my family. All are feasible but I feel like I'm stuck in fairytale land while the rest of the world passes me.

Back to that list. You know what upsets me the most about that list? The enemy that came back. It was a high school feud, my SOPHOMORE year in high school. You would think that petty things like that would eventually dissolve after all this time. For pete's sake, I've graduated college, it's almost been a decade. But no. Tonight taught me that some people will NEVER fucking change. Some things will ALWAYS be the same.

I was in the car, driving here, and I was just spewing everything I wanted to say to her. "You're just TRASH. You see this ring? This is a symbol of how ABOVE this I am. This is a symbol of what I'm WORTH. What do you have to show?" Sounds completely conceited. BUT IT'S TRUE. I am not going to apologize, nor am I going to feel bad for my accomplishments. I fucking worked my ass off, and if that means that some people will feel inferior to that feat, well then so be it... everyday is a chance to turn it all around. And fuck it, I take opportunity and run with it so you can put that in your pipe and smoke it.

What bugs me, is that I shouldn't feel inferior to her. My BEST guy friend, my two sisters and a slew of my friends were at this house party. No way I would have been beat. But I'm too scared. I'm scared to get my ass beat, I'm scared of the vulnerability. Even though I like competition, I want to know...without a doubt, before that scene takes place that I will fucking win HANDS DOWN. And I believe it's better to be silent and be thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt. I don't want everyone thinking I am a pansy.

Anddddd, besides all this. You know what I think? I'm BETTER than this. I deserve SO MUCH MORE in life, and I am capable of SO MUCH MORE than all of these LOSERS. That's sad to say, but why do I continue to surround myself around people that really do nothing for me? they do NOTHING. If I were to get in a fight, they wouldn't scramble to defend me. If I was sick, they wouldn't come to my house with soup. Silly, but they would be the LAST people I would expect to come through for me. These people aren't what matter! Why am I still hanging out with them? I'm done! I'm done! I'm done. Life is too short and I want to be happy. I want to so badly to be happy. High school is a stage I should be over with. I'm over it.

I'm sooooo tired....not just physically...but I feel like my brain......it's been thinking a lot lately and it just wants a break. 

Six years have passed,

and the same hate lingers

Ribboning through the air

It greets my senses with a sly smile

As a reminder.

that some hate loves to wait...

this is sad...

I'm averaging about one post/month. I'm going to try to write in here as often as possible.

I'm super, super thrilled at the moment. Mainly I'm excited because I just completed the three biggest purchases of my LIFE:

1) The REST of my college tuition ($995) that I NEVER thought I'd be able to pay on time
2) A NEW LAPTOP!!!! (HP tx2525nr, tablet, touchscreen...in one word: AMAZING!)
3) A TICKET TO AUSTRALIA!!!!!! and a ONE-WAY TICKET, at that!

The ticket to Australia was surely the cake topper. I have been planning this for weeks with Patrice, my old roommate from Berkeley. She is an Australian native, currently residing in Melbourne which is where I will be flying into! I'm planning on spending 2-3 weeks there, with one of those weeks spent exploring the Great Barrier Reef. This is going to be a month or so away from the states and I couldn't be more excited!!!!

Of course this puts a little delay in my job search. I feel like searching for a job right now would be pretty useless. If the job interview/waiting period aren't daunting enough, I also have to explain that I'm going to take a month vacation in January. So even though I strongly strongly LOATHE working at Hooters and bartending everyday it's one of the only places that will let me take off that amount of time and with tips, I'm averaging at $20+/hour...can't beat that for the time being even though the uniform bugs me to no end...

I'm trying to be as forgiving as possible to my current state. I don't want to beat myself up why I'm not at a better job, why I'm not doing interning/volunteer work, etc. because YOU KNOW WHAT, this is my time to relaxxxx, take a couple trips, be out in the real world that i've been missing out on for four years. AND I don't care what anybody thinks! I'm going to spend this year working a couple months, taking a HUGE TRIP, working a couple more months, ANOTHER HUGE TRIP etc. etc.!!! Who knows when I'm going to be committed to a job. I don't want to labor night and day for a living JUST yet. I'm in my youth and hell, I want to enjoy it and that's okay!!!!

So these are the next places I'd LOVE to visit:

- Queretaro, Mexico (to see Hilary! and financially, this is my best option right now)
- Alexandria/Cairo, Egypt
- Serengeti National Park, Tanzania
- The Amazon...mainly in Brazil
- Malta
- Greece!!!!

I want to get to at least two of those by the year's end. Mexico is looking pretty good, hopefully in March, as for the others...I'm going to need some better pay checks :]

implants

It seems as if girls my age are getting them by the dozen. I'm not one too judge, but I kinda get numb whenever I hear that another one of my friends is getting them done. Today it seems that the world has completely normalized the procedure, as if it is a "quick fix."

At church a couple weeks ago, my pastor discussed beauty. Besides giving us the run-of-the-mill, "you're perfect just as God made you," he said something quite insightful. He said that those of us who alter our bodies in an unnatural way are criticizing God. I'm not the most religious person so I'm not going to say that I'm damning everyone who has thought about getting them done. I just think that he does have a point.

3AM

Just got home from the bar. Tonight was so busy and I'm glad to be home. They gave me a bunch of sashimi to take home though so I was definitely eating that a few minutes ago.

Okay, so I really CANNOT stand guys that hit on me. It bugs the HELL outta me. Just had to put that out there because tonight was one of those nights. i didn't want to talk to anybody, i just wasn't in the mood. But still, they persist. It's flattering the first time, but when you're constantly coming up and pressing the issue when I'm obviously not interested it's flat out annoying.

NOT TO MENTION, I got REALLY pissed off at some frat guy. There's a $10 minimum on credit cards and his tab was only $8.50 so I wouldn't ring it up. He goes, "Um, there isn't a 10 minimum."

"Uh, YEAH. There is."
"Since when?"
"Forever."
"Well ask Calvin, he'll run my card. There's not a $10 minimum."
"There IS."
"NO, there ISN'T."

Don't tell me how to do MY fucking job. What a cheapass, it's $1.50.

K, I'm through - not worth my time. That's the one thing that I can't stand about the restaurant/food industry - you get very little recognition for the things you do. It's a tough job and it really opens your eyes to how ignorant some people can be. I'm sure a lot of waiters/waitresses can empathize.

Wow, just reread that and I sound extremely bitter. It's just from a lack of sleep so please pardon me.

In other news, today was scorching hot. Hazel and I eventually left the house to go to 7-11. And, don't make fun - but we actually called 7-11 to make sure their slurpie machine worked. hAHAH. And then we asked what flavors they had. :) It was good...

I heard that there was another shooting today. That's the 2nd one in 48 hours. It's not to say that I'm scared for my life but it definitely makes me a little bit more cautious about my surroundings. I always forget that Berkeley is contingent to Oakland and Richmond. I've just always figured that we're a little isolated world because it is afterall a college town.

K, I'm going to bed. No depth tonight, just some random ranting...but that's all I have to give at the moment.

Kristine

k, so i decided that I'd write until 1:30AM

I'm thinking about pulling an all nighter tonight. At least until 3AM, and then wake up around 7AM to resume. It's just I'm kinda rejuvenated to writing in here again. I really miss having a journal. I have had one every year, don't know why I haven't bought one recently. I think it's just I've become so lazy that I don't want to take the old fashioned route and actually write (i mean, physically write). I'd much rather type. I guess they have their ups and downs.

Writing:
There's something physically tangible when you write. there's also a good sense of accessibility; I can pull it out whenever. I can also be more private in a real journal. I'm not going to be talking about my romantic life here because I don't know who reads this. A real journal opens up that realm - I can talk about virtually anything.

Typing:
It's fast, and I like the fact that I might have an audience. Sure, I'm going to censor some things but I love to stimulate discussion. I'd like to think that my thoughts shouldn't stay private (some of them need to be but not all!). I also like the fact that people night want to read about what I have to say. As corny as it sounds, the more we connect as a human race the more we can understand each other. Lastly, being able to type and think simultaneously is much more provoking than the arduous task of writing. I don't have to think about effort, because there is none!!!! This is it, folks - this is me! From my brain to your screen...

I can't believe how much I have to study. I don't know how I neglected this for so long. It's all that bartending! It's got me so drained. Sometimes I'll come home at 3:30AM. And, believe me - coming home at 3:30AM from work is MUCH different than coming home at 3:30AM from partying. By the time I come home I just want to collapse but I can't...I gotta eat, I gotta watch TV, maybe check my e-mail...UNWIND. Especially after dealing with all the drunk guys who are hanging over the bar and asking me my name yada yada..nationality...blah blah....how long have you worked here....what do you recommend to drink.... I try as hard as possible not to talk to people behind the bar. I probably don't have the best personality for a bartender but oh well, they hired me!!!!!

I'm not always like that, I guess. If it's someone I like I'll talk to them. It's just weird to look at it from the other side, everyone's getting plastered and I'm the one...pouring their drinks, HAHAH. Before this job, I thought I'd be good at bartending because I enjoy getting people drunk (I'm a good peer pressur-er when I'm tipsy, you can't say no!). But I found out...I'm a little TOO good, HAHA, I'm constantly berated for my portions, I always put too much. :]

K, 1:27AM but I milked it for what it was worth. Just wanted a break and an excuse not to read. Wish me luck on my final tomorrow!!!!!

Kristine

final tomorrow and

im doing this of course! i can't believe that these last couple of finals will be the last of my undergraduate career. so hard to believe that the time has gone by so fast. it just kinda comes and bites ya!



i should be excited, and don't get me wrong - i'm ecstatic to receive my diploma. But that will entail a certain degree of responsibility, one that I'm not sure I'm prepared for yet. I feel like I'm jumping into cold water without a sense of what to expect. The "real world" has always seemed so daunting. While school has set expectations the world is a real rat race, where those expectations are not clearly defined, nor are they specific for any individual. I'm going to miss school, its structure, and its predictability. I've felt like I've mastered the art of succeeding in a credited institution. But now?



Stephen says that I'm not very "street smart." That may be true, I do believe that I can be pretty naive to the world outside of school. That includes lacking the compulsory COMMON SENSE. I often find myself doing things irrationally and then reflecting back on them and being like what was I thinking? I seem to be having a lot of "those" moments a lot.



You know how you start to realize your own faults as you grow older? I think that that is SO imperative to growing as a person. I feel I've learned SO MUCH since leaving high school. Because for me, leaving high school was not just simple pomp and circumstance. I moved! at 18!!!! Gosh, looking back on it I don't know how my parents trusted me. Then I left the country!!!! and now I'm here...



Anyway, about that whole fault thing. I constantly find myself being in situations where I'm hating myself. Not to say that I don't have a sense of personal pride. No, no no no....that's not what I'm saying. But I'll move somewhere new, and I'll realize something like, I'm not that good at making friends. For a long time I thought that I was, but now I realize that I'm a little bit of a snob when it comes to meeting new people. I HATE to introduce myself (kind of the pride thing, don't like making myself vulnerable but I guess that kinda backfires), in fact most of my friends at Berkeley are people who introduced themselves to ME. Wish I could be that social person, but don't know if I ever can be. A lot of the time I like to keep to myself, I'm comfortable with that. Weird to say, but I'm comfortable being alone. I'm my own best friend and sometimes all I need is a pen and paper or a journal like this to act as a surrogate for a real human being.

But isn't that funny? We think we know ourselves but I feel like growing is the process of really getting to know who you are, what you stand for, who you're going to be...it's like constant spats of realization that you don't start to realize until your 20s. Or maybe there's not a specific age group. I just feel that when I really asserted my independence (i.e. moved out of my parent's house) was when I really felt like I didn't know myself. It's like you're alone, without anyone to define you, NO ONE KNOWS YOU. So you're kinda coerced into meeting new people and starting all over again, as if you are being born again, since everyone you have ever truly known is somewhere else. You start to realize things. You start to really SEE who you are.

That was a long talk. The truth of the matter is, I'd much rather write and write and write rather than read and study for MC 140. But I better be off, see you soon I'm sure :)

Kristine