Sunday, October 26, 2008


I don't know why so many times I find myself asking, "How did I get into this mess?"

In the past week:
- I've lost my camera and $300 of makeup
- Bad blood has stirred up again and an arch enemy of mine tried to instigate a fight...after SIX YEARS OF HIBERNATION
- I've strongly debated about living in another country for a couple months
- I've found someone I really feel...GETS IT.

Okay, thankfully I didn't plan that list, and it goes from bad --> good, I guess that means that I'm striving to end on a positive note. 

These last two weeks have really breezed by, but I have to ask myself what I'm preparing for in the coming months. I want to get my emergency credentials, I want to save $3000.00 (for my trip) - I want to spend more time with my family. All are feasible but I feel like I'm stuck in fairytale land while the rest of the world passes me.

Back to that list. You know what upsets me the most about that list? The enemy that came back. It was a high school feud, my SOPHOMORE year in high school. You would think that petty things like that would eventually dissolve after all this time. For pete's sake, I've graduated college, it's almost been a decade. But no. Tonight taught me that some people will NEVER fucking change. Some things will ALWAYS be the same.

I was in the car, driving here, and I was just spewing everything I wanted to say to her. "You're just TRASH. You see this ring? This is a symbol of how ABOVE this I am. This is a symbol of what I'm WORTH. What do you have to show?" Sounds completely conceited. BUT IT'S TRUE. I am not going to apologize, nor am I going to feel bad for my accomplishments. I fucking worked my ass off, and if that means that some people will feel inferior to that feat, well then so be it... everyday is a chance to turn it all around. And fuck it, I take opportunity and run with it so you can put that in your pipe and smoke it.

What bugs me, is that I shouldn't feel inferior to her. My BEST guy friend, my two sisters and a slew of my friends were at this house party. No way I would have been beat. But I'm too scared. I'm scared to get my ass beat, I'm scared of the vulnerability. Even though I like competition, I want to know...without a doubt, before that scene takes place that I will fucking win HANDS DOWN. And I believe it's better to be silent and be thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt. I don't want everyone thinking I am a pansy.

Anddddd, besides all this. You know what I think? I'm BETTER than this. I deserve SO MUCH MORE in life, and I am capable of SO MUCH MORE than all of these LOSERS. That's sad to say, but why do I continue to surround myself around people that really do nothing for me? they do NOTHING. If I were to get in a fight, they wouldn't scramble to defend me. If I was sick, they wouldn't come to my house with soup. Silly, but they would be the LAST people I would expect to come through for me. These people aren't what matter! Why am I still hanging out with them? I'm done! I'm done! I'm done. Life is too short and I want to be happy. I want to so badly to be happy. High school is a stage I should be over with. I'm over it.

I'm sooooo tired....not just physically...but I feel like my's been thinking a lot lately and it just wants a break. 
Six years have passed,
and the same hate lingers
Ribboning through the air
It greets my senses with a sly smile
As a reminder.
that some hate loves to wait...