Friday, May 16, 2008


Just got home from the bar. Tonight was so busy and I'm glad to be home. They gave me a bunch of sashimi to take home though so I was definitely eating that a few minutes ago.

Okay, so I really CANNOT stand guys that hit on me. It bugs the HELL outta me. Just had to put that out there because tonight was one of those nights. i didn't want to talk to anybody, i just wasn't in the mood. But still, they persist. It's flattering the first time, but when you're constantly coming up and pressing the issue when I'm obviously not interested it's flat out annoying.

NOT TO MENTION, I got REALLY pissed off at some frat guy. There's a $10 minimum on credit cards and his tab was only $8.50 so I wouldn't ring it up. He goes, "Um, there isn't a 10 minimum."

"Uh, YEAH. There is."
"Since when?"
"Well ask Calvin, he'll run my card. There's not a $10 minimum."
"There IS."
"NO, there ISN'T."

Don't tell me how to do MY fucking job. What a cheapass, it's $1.50.

K, I'm through - not worth my time. That's the one thing that I can't stand about the restaurant/food industry - you get very little recognition for the things you do. It's a tough job and it really opens your eyes to how ignorant some people can be. I'm sure a lot of waiters/waitresses can empathize.

Wow, just reread that and I sound extremely bitter. It's just from a lack of sleep so please pardon me.

In other news, today was scorching hot. Hazel and I eventually left the house to go to 7-11. And, don't make fun - but we actually called 7-11 to make sure their slurpie machine worked. hAHAH. And then we asked what flavors they had. :) It was good...

I heard that there was another shooting today. That's the 2nd one in 48 hours. It's not to say that I'm scared for my life but it definitely makes me a little bit more cautious about my surroundings. I always forget that Berkeley is contingent to Oakland and Richmond. I've just always figured that we're a little isolated world because it is afterall a college town.

K, I'm going to bed. No depth tonight, just some random ranting...but that's all I have to give at the moment.


Thursday, May 15, 2008

k, so i decided that I'd write until 1:30AM

I'm thinking about pulling an all nighter tonight. At least until 3AM, and then wake up around 7AM to resume. It's just I'm kinda rejuvenated to writing in here again. I really miss having a journal. I have had one every year, don't know why I haven't bought one recently. I think it's just I've become so lazy that I don't want to take the old fashioned route and actually write (i mean, physically write). I'd much rather type. I guess they have their ups and downs.

There's something physically tangible when you write. there's also a good sense of accessibility; I can pull it out whenever. I can also be more private in a real journal. I'm not going to be talking about my romantic life here because I don't know who reads this. A real journal opens up that realm - I can talk about virtually anything.

It's fast, and I like the fact that I might have an audience. Sure, I'm going to censor some things but I love to stimulate discussion. I'd like to think that my thoughts shouldn't stay private (some of them need to be but not all!). I also like the fact that people night want to read about what I have to say. As corny as it sounds, the more we connect as a human race the more we can understand each other. Lastly, being able to type and think simultaneously is much more provoking than the arduous task of writing. I don't have to think about effort, because there is none!!!! This is it, folks - this is me! From my brain to your screen...

I can't believe how much I have to study. I don't know how I neglected this for so long. It's all that bartending! It's got me so drained. Sometimes I'll come home at 3:30AM. And, believe me - coming home at 3:30AM from work is MUCH different than coming home at 3:30AM from partying. By the time I come home I just want to collapse but I can't...I gotta eat, I gotta watch TV, maybe check my e-mail...UNWIND. Especially after dealing with all the drunk guys who are hanging over the bar and asking me my name yada yada..nationality...blah long have you worked here....what do you recommend to drink.... I try as hard as possible not to talk to people behind the bar. I probably don't have the best personality for a bartender but oh well, they hired me!!!!!

I'm not always like that, I guess. If it's someone I like I'll talk to them. It's just weird to look at it from the other side, everyone's getting plastered and I'm the one...pouring their drinks, HAHAH. Before this job, I thought I'd be good at bartending because I enjoy getting people drunk (I'm a good peer pressur-er when I'm tipsy, you can't say no!). But I found out...I'm a little TOO good, HAHA, I'm constantly berated for my portions, I always put too much. :]

K, 1:27AM but I milked it for what it was worth. Just wanted a break and an excuse not to read. Wish me luck on my final tomorrow!!!!!


final tomorrow and

im doing this of course! i can't believe that these last couple of finals will be the last of my undergraduate career. so hard to believe that the time has gone by so fast. it just kinda comes and bites ya!

i should be excited, and don't get me wrong - i'm ecstatic to receive my diploma. But that will entail a certain degree of responsibility, one that I'm not sure I'm prepared for yet. I feel like I'm jumping into cold water without a sense of what to expect. The "real world" has always seemed so daunting. While school has set expectations the world is a real rat race, where those expectations are not clearly defined, nor are they specific for any individual. I'm going to miss school, its structure, and its predictability. I've felt like I've mastered the art of succeeding in a credited institution. But now?

Stephen says that I'm not very "street smart." That may be true, I do believe that I can be pretty naive to the world outside of school. That includes lacking the compulsory COMMON SENSE. I often find myself doing things irrationally and then reflecting back on them and being like what was I thinking? I seem to be having a lot of "those" moments a lot.

You know how you start to realize your own faults as you grow older? I think that that is SO imperative to growing as a person. I feel I've learned SO MUCH since leaving high school. Because for me, leaving high school was not just simple pomp and circumstance. I moved! at 18!!!! Gosh, looking back on it I don't know how my parents trusted me. Then I left the country!!!! and now I'm here...

Anyway, about that whole fault thing. I constantly find myself being in situations where I'm hating myself. Not to say that I don't have a sense of personal pride. No, no no no....that's not what I'm saying. But I'll move somewhere new, and I'll realize something like, I'm not that good at making friends. For a long time I thought that I was, but now I realize that I'm a little bit of a snob when it comes to meeting new people. I HATE to introduce myself (kind of the pride thing, don't like making myself vulnerable but I guess that kinda backfires), in fact most of my friends at Berkeley are people who introduced themselves to ME. Wish I could be that social person, but don't know if I ever can be. A lot of the time I like to keep to myself, I'm comfortable with that. Weird to say, but I'm comfortable being alone. I'm my own best friend and sometimes all I need is a pen and paper or a journal like this to act as a surrogate for a real human being.

But isn't that funny? We think we know ourselves but I feel like growing is the process of really getting to know who you are, what you stand for, who you're going to's like constant spats of realization that you don't start to realize until your 20s. Or maybe there's not a specific age group. I just feel that when I really asserted my independence (i.e. moved out of my parent's house) was when I really felt like I didn't know myself. It's like you're alone, without anyone to define you, NO ONE KNOWS YOU. So you're kinda coerced into meeting new people and starting all over again, as if you are being born again, since everyone you have ever truly known is somewhere else. You start to realize things. You start to really SEE who you are.

That was a long talk. The truth of the matter is, I'd much rather write and write and write rather than read and study for MC 140. But I better be off, see you soon I'm sure :)