Thursday, May 15, 2008

final tomorrow and

im doing this of course! i can't believe that these last couple of finals will be the last of my undergraduate career. so hard to believe that the time has gone by so fast. it just kinda comes and bites ya!

i should be excited, and don't get me wrong - i'm ecstatic to receive my diploma. But that will entail a certain degree of responsibility, one that I'm not sure I'm prepared for yet. I feel like I'm jumping into cold water without a sense of what to expect. The "real world" has always seemed so daunting. While school has set expectations the world is a real rat race, where those expectations are not clearly defined, nor are they specific for any individual. I'm going to miss school, its structure, and its predictability. I've felt like I've mastered the art of succeeding in a credited institution. But now?

Stephen says that I'm not very "street smart." That may be true, I do believe that I can be pretty naive to the world outside of school. That includes lacking the compulsory COMMON SENSE. I often find myself doing things irrationally and then reflecting back on them and being like what was I thinking? I seem to be having a lot of "those" moments a lot.

You know how you start to realize your own faults as you grow older? I think that that is SO imperative to growing as a person. I feel I've learned SO MUCH since leaving high school. Because for me, leaving high school was not just simple pomp and circumstance. I moved! at 18!!!! Gosh, looking back on it I don't know how my parents trusted me. Then I left the country!!!! and now I'm here...

Anyway, about that whole fault thing. I constantly find myself being in situations where I'm hating myself. Not to say that I don't have a sense of personal pride. No, no no no....that's not what I'm saying. But I'll move somewhere new, and I'll realize something like, I'm not that good at making friends. For a long time I thought that I was, but now I realize that I'm a little bit of a snob when it comes to meeting new people. I HATE to introduce myself (kind of the pride thing, don't like making myself vulnerable but I guess that kinda backfires), in fact most of my friends at Berkeley are people who introduced themselves to ME. Wish I could be that social person, but don't know if I ever can be. A lot of the time I like to keep to myself, I'm comfortable with that. Weird to say, but I'm comfortable being alone. I'm my own best friend and sometimes all I need is a pen and paper or a journal like this to act as a surrogate for a real human being.

But isn't that funny? We think we know ourselves but I feel like growing is the process of really getting to know who you are, what you stand for, who you're going to's like constant spats of realization that you don't start to realize until your 20s. Or maybe there's not a specific age group. I just feel that when I really asserted my independence (i.e. moved out of my parent's house) was when I really felt like I didn't know myself. It's like you're alone, without anyone to define you, NO ONE KNOWS YOU. So you're kinda coerced into meeting new people and starting all over again, as if you are being born again, since everyone you have ever truly known is somewhere else. You start to realize things. You start to really SEE who you are.

That was a long talk. The truth of the matter is, I'd much rather write and write and write rather than read and study for MC 140. But I better be off, see you soon I'm sure :)


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